Churchisms

This entry is in continuation of a status update that I posted on Facebook last night. My status read, "I have been reminded of all the things l didn't like about the church. Lol!" I was then asked what I meant so I decided to put some of it in a blog.


As I attended a celebration for community leaders that were being honored by General Mills at Historic Ebenezer Baptist Church, I began to get annoyed all over again. Not annoyed with anything that had to do with Ebenezer or its staff, but the other stuff that we do in church as a whole. I was trying to stay focused on why I was there, to support Atlanta Honoree, Vanetta Keyes of C.H.O.I.C.E.S. for Kids (www.choicesforkids.org). But I started to get reminded of some of the things that used to irk me when I was a church goer. 

Let me first say that if you are looking for me to touch on preaching, tithing, wardrobe, cars, VIP seating, makeup artists, and manipulation, you might be a bit disappointed today. Maybe in another blog. On this particular evening, my irritations didn't include most of these because there was no sermon; no mention of money (OMGosh); but you know there was a lot of rhinestones, wigs, mascara (both genders), and church folk will put buttons in places where you would never think they should be. 


If you would, just listen in on the conversations that I had in my head:


"Yes, I do know who God is...even if I am sitting down. He blessed us all with the ability to decide, therefore I have decided to sit down right now."

"Lady, the devil didn't steal anything from me, so I don't have to take anything back! Job told you that 'the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.' How many times do you have to take things back anyway?"

"Choir, the song is over! The MC is trying to talk now."

"Dude, why are you clapping and moving like that? Ew!"

"Um, I know you man, and you don't talk like that. Is that some type of spiritual auto-tune on that mic?"

"We don't know each other, so I don't want to hug him and tell him I love him."

"Yes we DO hear you. You have a microphone remember?"

"My neighbor just heard you say the same thing over the microphone. Why do I have to turn to them and say what you just said?!"

"Make up your mind. Are 'church folk' too spiritual, or not spiritual enough? I'm confused."

"You are supposed to be singing a song. This is not the time for you to try out a sermon before you sing."

"Dude, why are you looking at me every time I look up?"

"Why do you have to talk about haters, money problems, betrayal, problems at work, etc. just so people can react the way you want them to?"

"We can't hear the choir because you are yelling too loud lady!"

"If your little boy kicks me one more time, I'm kicking you!"

"Mr. Cameraman, get the hell out of my face dude!"

"I guess when they scrunch their faces up like they smell something, the spirit must me moving."

Okay, I think I'm done. My next church-related blog may be entitled, "Every Sunday is Halloween". Why? Because every Sunday people dress up and act like someone else for the day.


Ushers, time to pass the baskets....